he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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