dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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