I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
