he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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