Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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