i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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