just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
