Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
