So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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