i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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