I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
