What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
