I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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