Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
