Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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