I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
