fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
