Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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