woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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