Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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