Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
