she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize