Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
