Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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