my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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