They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
