If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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