I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
