the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
