Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
