i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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