i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
