I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
