Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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