hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
