Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize