she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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