Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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