I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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