Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
