4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
