I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
