Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
