i think my tv is drunk
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
