Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
