3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
