I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
