Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
