Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
