I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
