No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
