You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
