Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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