Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
