Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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