i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
