after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
