So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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