just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
