Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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