My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
